– Don’t include quotations in the introduction as quotations always serve as evidence and you shouldn’t be giving evidence already in the introduction. The purpose of the introduction is to summarize both sides of the issue, not begin arguing your opinion on the issue, so don’t put quotations in the introduction.
– I had given you feedback on your last argument essay that MLA doesn’t include year of publication in the in-text citation. You will lose points if you don’t fix this in your final draft.
– The judgment in your thesis isn’t clear: “Cutting the number of refugees allowed into the country, America’s ethics, heritage, and interests can become at stake.” The last sentence of the introduction needs to state your main opinion/judgment on the issue, which is your thesis. This is unclear and sounds like it is more on the side of not wanting to accept refugees.
– Topic sentences for body paragraphs 1 and 2 don’t clearly enough state a main reason to support the claim that we should accept refugees (and remember that your thesis sentence – the last sentence of your introduction – doesn’t even clearly state that this is your thesis). Make your main point/reason clearer in the topic sentences. These paragraphs also need more evidence from sources. Don’t rely on only one source for all the evidence in a paragraph. Also, provide evidence about the sufferings of refugees in places besides Syria as well.
– The third body paragraph doesn’t work because you haven’t actually written it as part of a counterargument; you have simply contradicted yourself by arguing why we should not accept refugees in that paragraph. Instead, begin that paragraph by making it clear that the paragraph will describe what people who are against accepting refugees believe AND be sure that you also rebut those beliefs: explain why your argument is stronger than what the other side believes. You can make concessions – admit that some of the points are valid – but you still have to also counterargue their claims. Otherwise, all you do is confuse the reader by contradicting yourself.
– The Works Cited entries are not spaced correctly, and some dates are missing. Also, I have said NOT to include web addresses.
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